


don't say you love me

by F4IRYJEONGINS



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Car Accidents, Christmas, Crying, Depression, Drinking, Drunk Texting, Drunken Kissing, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Lee Minho | Lee Know is a Mess, M/M, Nightmares, jisung is clueless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:15:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28295169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/F4IRYJEONGINS/pseuds/F4IRYJEONGINS
Summary: min <3 : wjy cant ou jusst say this was all a joke that you didmt break up with me it was a jokemin <3 : fuckmin <3 : i want them to sotpmin <3 : the nightmares wont fucking stop i camt sleep anymoremin <3 : when does it stop?? we arent togjeter you'll be safe when does it sotp
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Yang Jeongin | I.N, Kim Seungmin/Lee Felix
Kudos: 51





	don't say you love me

**Author's Note:**

> if you have not read my au on twt, "a thousand years," please do this first! it's based on minsung from there. my twt is @KIDSTR4Y :) enjoy this one shot! <3
> 
> do not listen to billie eilishs "i love you" while reading this unless you want more tears

Minho didn't do a whole lot as 2 years flew by.

He was stuck in his head most of the time, he felt like he was losing himself slowly as time progressed. Everything moved too fast for his liking, _way too fast._ He watched as Jisung grew more and more popular as the days flew by. Yet Minho gave up everything he loved because he couldn't bear getting out of the house anymore.

He _was_ happy for him. Extremely happy, but some part of Minho was upset that he couldn't be there the whole time Jisung was experiencing what they deserved from the minute they debuted. Minho just watched and watched. His eyes scanned through each comment from the 3RACHA Instagram, every post his ex-boyfriend made had many comments complimenting each thing that one person loved about them.

_Minho loved everything about him too. He loved him first. He.. still loves Jisung._

When Felix finally moved out to live with Seungmin, Minho thought he would slowly get better. He thought he would get rid of the god awful nightmares he experiences every night, but he didn't. He couldn't. Each night it got worse and worse.

The worst part about it was, they were only about Jisung.

-

 _"Felix, Jisung said he'd be home an hour ago."  
_ _"He's not here yet, it's 2 in the morning! What the fuck do you mean don't worry?"  
"This is so unlike him.."  
"Can we please look for him?"_

_It's 6AM. Jisung had texted both Minho and Felix that he should be home around 11, and that was at 3PM. Minho has tried asking everyone. Hyunjin, Jeongin, Changbin, even Chan. The only person who bothered to reply to the boy was Chan, saying he has no idea where Jisung is. Or any of them, for that matter._

_Minho was fucking tired. He couldn't sleep without Jisung next to his side. He's known Jisung his whole life, they were literally inseparable and Minho can't remember the last time he spent one night without Jisung by his side._

_Felix was new to their relationship. Jisung adored Felix a lot, to which Minho didn't mind. He adored Jisung for that, actually. So they asked Felix if they would want to be a part of their.. relationship. Minho didn't like Felix at first, but he eventually grew to them._

_They were really sweet, adorable. Maybe not as adorable as he found Jisung, but still nonetheless adorable. They did most of the cooking and baking for the three of them, which both Minho and Jisung found themselves getting excited to come home to their apartment smelling like freshly baked goods._

_But Felix didn't understand why Minho was freaking out, constantly waking the blonde up every hour to say that Jisung still wasn't home. It was aggravating them, they wanted to sleep. Not have their boyfriend wake them up every fucking second. But eventually Minho was crying and hyperventilating, which was why Felix caved in and they were now out looking for Jisung on Christmas Eve._

_Minho didn't bother putting on a jacket. He went out in his sweatpants and long sleeved shirt. He didn't care about anything else but Jisung. Jisung could be anywhere.. anywhere but home. That's not normal._

_"At least wear my jacket, Min."_

_Nothing. Minho was too focused on trying to hold back his frustrated tears, frustrated that Felix couldn't understand. Frustrated that Jisung never came home. Frustrated that he worried too much when something small like this happens._

_They spent an hour looking. An hour of Minhos nonstop walking, to which Felix could hardly keep up with because of how short they were compared to the older boy. They eventually reached an area where there were a lot of sirens, and two cars crushed into pieces, one worse than the other._

_At first Minho didn't think much of it._

_Until they got closer._

_-_

"How do you feel today, hyung?" Jeongin snapped Minho out of his thoughts, staring over at the boy who had a cup of coffee in his hand, pushing another cup towards Minho. Jeongin didn't need the male to answer, because he could tell based off of his eye bags. He didn't want to push Minho. He's been patient, but two years is too much. Two years is a long time, time Minho is wasting his potential on.

"Fine, Jeongin." Minho barely grumbled out, taking a sip of the hot coffee. Jeongin had the tendency to come over every morning to check up on Minho.

This started a few months ago. They didn't talk much, Minho didn't want to. If he had the choice, he would much rather just slowly rot in his apartment than talk to anyone.

But Jeongin was worried. Everyone was worried, Minho was slipping away from everyone. No one really said anything because maybe.. maybe it's normal for Minho to stay closed up. But it's not normal to Jeongin. Even if Minho didn't say what he was feeling, he would still go to Jeongin when he needed him. Yet he hasn't, at all for this whole year. The year is almost over..

"Hyung.." Jeongin frowned, making Minhos head snap up to see the blonde crying. "Innie, wha- why are you crying?" The blonde shook his head, burying his face into the palms of his hands as he tried to calm himself down, the crying only getting worse. "Jeongin.. please talk to me."

Minho tensed up at the sound of Jeongins crying, _he knew his best friend was crying over him._ "I don't want to lose you.." Jeongin hiccuped out, making Minho shift uncomfortably in his seat. "Oh."

The room fell quiet, the silence sometimes being interrupted with sniffling from Jeongin. "So.. how's Hyunjin?"

"Seriously, hyung?"  
"What?"

Jeongin just groaned, rubbing at his eyes before grabbing his stuff off of the counter. "Are you leaving already?"

"Yes. Tell me when you want to fucking open up and I'll be back, Minho."

The last thing Minho heard was his front door being slammed, leaving him all alone.

Again.

-

Jisung had a hard time moving on for the first year of their breakup. When Jeongin said that Minho had moved on already, Jisung spent the next two weeks hiding in his room crying. _How did Minho move on that quick? Did he not love Jisung as much as he thought he did? Why did the boy never text him? He never said anything the minute the words that Jisung regretted came out of his mouth._

_I'm breaking up with you._

_Wise mistake, Jisung._ He only ended up breaking his own heart more than he felt he broke Minhos. Not that he wanted to break Minhos.. he didn't want to break either of their hearts. He wanted to free the both of them. Their relationship wasn't going well.. right?

Now that 2 years had passed, Jisung was doing a little bit better. _He was numb to it, at least._ Numb to the pain. Numb to feeling, he didn't worry that much anymore. He just wanted to focus on his career from now on.

Occasionally he would check Minhos social media, which hadn't been updated at all since they last spoke. The last time they saw each other. It was a picture of Jisung. The only social media he knew Minho had was his twitter. _He wouldn't make a private Instagram, would he?_

Jeongin seemed to answer them when Jisung had a question about Minho from time to time. _How is he? Still okay? Did he move his social media, or does he just choose not to post now? Is his career going good?_

Jisung didn't have a lot of time to read into the replies he got from Jeongin. They seemed half-assed, but maybe Jeongin just hates Jisung now. Or Jeongin is busy with taking care of all those damned pets he kept getting with Hyunjin. _Both Jeongin and Minho have some weird obsession with animals._

Did he still miss Minho? Jisung couldn't really answer that himself. Deep down he knew he did, but he had suppressed all of his feelings for anyone at this point.

-

At one point, Jisung blocked Minhos number. He was afraid of texting him on a night where he couldn't stop thinking. He was afraid Minho would text him, not that he would anyways. This year was different, on Christmas eve he found himself unblocking the boys number.

He didn't expect to wake up to what appeared to be drunken texts from the male at 2AM on Christmas morning.

_min <3 : don't go out durimg the holidays please_

_min <3 : not safe_

_min <3 : i dont wanna lose you again_

_min <3 : not wjen i dont have you_

_min <3 : yoi look so happy without me ahha_

_min <3 : i can't escape this_

_min <3 : i dont want to lvoe you anymore_

Jisung could barely keep his eyes open, squinting at his bright screen. _Has Minho always been texting them?_ _Is he okay? What does he mean to not go out during the holidays?_

_min <3 : wjy cant ou jusst say this was all a joke that you didmt break up with me it was a joke_

_min <3 : fuck_

_min <3 : i want them to sotp_

_min <3 : the nightmares wont fucking stop i camt sleep anymore_

_min <3 : when does it stop?? we arent togjeter you'll be safe when does it sotp_

Nightmares? Minho has nightmares? About what..?

_min <3 : .. are these sending?_

_min <3 : ..._

Jisung waited ten more minutes. Minho never texted him after that. _Did he make a mistake unblocking his number? What the fuck does he do now? Where did Minho go?_

His head was spinning, he was now wide awake and couldn't stop worrying about Minho. Suddenly Jisung found himself calling his ex.

_1... 2.. Declined._

_1.. Declined._

_1.. 2... 3... Declined._

"Min, come on. Pick up.."

The ringing was now non-stop, the boy wasn't picking up anymore. What the fuck is Jisung going to do if he doesn't pick up his calls? He doesn't even know where Minho lives. Who does he call now? Felix? Jeongin? Hyunjin? _As if they would answer his calls at 2 in the fucking morning.._

Yet, he did exactly that anyways.

Felix and Jeongin didn't pick up. _Jisung figured. Hyunjin should pick up. He was there for Jisung throughout the time Jisung was trying to get over Minho._ "Hello?" A groggy voice answered, and what sounded like complaining from Jeongin in the background.

"Ah.. Jin, can you-"  
"I'm not checking up on Minho, Jisung."  
"Please.."  
"You haven't asked me this since last year, why now?"

Jisung frowned, his hands shaking as he sat in the middle of his bed, the room among him was still pitch black. _Was it his business to intrude? Minho did text him.._ "Jisung?" He went quiet, he didn't notice he had tears falling down his cheeks until he tried to focus on anything but his shaking. _God, he felt so fucking guilty. How much did he hurt Minho? Why did Jeongin lie to him?_

"I need his address.."

Hyunjin mumbled incoherently to probably Jeongin, who just groaned and yelled into the phone about how he's not giving away Minho's personal information like that. This sent Jisung into more panic, his breathing getting erratic. _"Innie, you're freaking them out.." "I don't care, it's 2 in the fucking morning. I'm going to check on Minho when I wake up."_

"Jisung.. I have to hang up now.. I'm really tired. Is there anything else?"

He didn't want to be a bother anymore. He didn't want to keep hurting Minho.. Minho needs to move on. _Minho will find someone who makes him happier._ "No, Jinnie.. thank you anyways."

-

Minho got 2 hours of sleep that night. He woke up feeling like absolute shit, and even worse, he woke up to Jeongin standing over him while he was sleeping on the couch. "Out of all places, you chose to sleep on the couch?"

Jeongin saw all the empty beer bottles Minho left around the apartment. He's seen them for the last four months, each day the bottles increasingly got worse. But he would pick them up before Minho woke up.

This time he didn't bother. _It was worse this time. And bad enough, Jeongin is being forced to check on his best friend on a day he's supposed to be celebrating Christmas._ "Minho, why are you drinking so fucking much?"

Minho just inhaled sharply, pushing himself off the couch while rubbing at his head. "Doesn't matter, Innie.." He grumbled, pushing past him to go to his room and change into fresh clothes. Jeongin rolled his eyes at this, taking the chance to take Minhos phone and look through it.

He's probably sent thousands of drunk messages to Jisung over the past two years.. _Has Minho been drinking that long? Was he good at hiding it before?_ Jeongin knew he didn't have time to read each text himself out in the open living room, so he did the next bright idea he had in his head.

Record most of what he could of the texts through his phone.

-

"Innie, what are you watching?"

Jeongin kept pausing and playing the video on his phone over and over, his brows furrowed in confusion. _What the fuck did Minho mean don't go out? Car crash? Jisung can't even drive. Hyunjin can't drive.. why is Hyunjin part of this? Is Minho insane?_

"Jeongin?"

Jeongins head jerked up, his tenseness easing at the sight of his worried boyfriend. "Sorry, hyung.. I'm just reading the texts Minho sent to Jisung," He mumbled, scrolling through the video to try something new. "Texts?"

The blonde just sighed and laid his head on the boys shoulder, shaking his head in the process. "He's just speaking nonsense.. I think Minho has a drinking problem."

Hyunjin frowned, watching as the younger boy kept his gaze focused on the video. "Jeongin.. don't you think Jisung should talk to him?" Hyunjin felt like he asked the wrong question based off of Jeongins silence towards it, making the brunette tense up. "Sorry, not my place.."

"No, hyung.. you're- you're right, actually."

-

Jisung stood at the front of Minhos apartment for a while. Maybe more than a while, he was just nervous. _What if Minho didn't want to see him? What if Minho wasn't even there?_ Jisung eventually worked up the courage to knock on the door, the force of the knock making the door creak open like it was in horror movies. The boy frowned, slowly taking a few steps inside the dimly-lit apartment despite the time of day. There were beer bottles scattered all around the open part of the apartment, yet no Minho to be found.

He huffed, seeing two other doors, one barely cracked open to what looked like was Minhos bedroom. Jisung peeked his eye through, seeing Minho sprawled out on his bed with a beer in one hand, and his phone other to what looked like was open on Jisungs twitter. 

And all he heard was crying and incoherent mumbling.

Jisung tip-toed his way to Minhos field of vision, careful to not startle the drunk boy. He crouched down to see the boys puffed up eyes, frowning at the sight. "Hyung.."

"You didn't post on Christmas," Minho hiccuped, closing his eyes to avoid Jisungs saddened gaze that was fixated on him. "You didn't.." Jisung furrowed his brows, tilting his head as his fingers lightly ghosted the boys cheeks. "What is that supposed to mean, Min?"

Minho shook his head, his reddened eyes opening to stare at his ex-boyfriend. "Doesn't.. doesn't matter," He slurred out, whining as Jisung carefully took the beer away from him. "That's mine.."

"You can last a few minutes without it, yeah?" Minho gulped, slowly nodding his head. He kept his eyes on Jisung as the boy then closed the screen to his phone, taking that as well. "Take a break, Min.."

Minho knew what that meant, Jisung has said it so many times to him back in college when he constantly was worried about Jeongin. _Take a break, go to sleep. Minho didn't want to sleep. He didn't want to replay that horrid nightmare again._ "Come on, hyung.. you look so tired."

"I- I'm not. I'm not tired.." Minho stuttered out, tears threatening to spill out again. "Then talk to me, hm? What's going on in that head of yours?" Minho broke down completely, making Jisung crawl into the bed with him as Minho clung onto the younger boy tightly.

"I hate you."  
"But.. your tex-"  
"No.." Minho hid his face in the boys shirt, completely soaking it. "No. I hate you. _I hate you, I fucking hate you."_

Jisung bit his lip to try to calm himself, his fingers lightly threading through the older boys messy hair. "Minho.. I still lo-"

"Don't say you love me." The oldest interrupted, the tears seemed to stopped but his shaking didn't. He never let go of the tight grip around the boys chest, he never once moved. "You can't love me.."

"Hyung.. is this about your nightmares?"

Minho hesitated, but still nodded. Jisung just sighed and shifted to get more comfortable, tapping the boys forehead. "Hey, look at me.." Jisung kept tapping the boys forehead when he refused, eventually annoying the brunette to where he did what Jisung wanted.

"What, Jisung? Why are you even here?"   
"Hyung. Your nightmares aren't real.. okay? I'll be safe."  
"I thought you were _dead."_

Jisungs eyes widened, quickly shaking his head. "No.. why- why would I be dead?"

The room fell silent, Minho seemed to never take his eyes off the boy which made Jisung a bit uncomfortable. "I don't know.."

"Min.. I'm okay. And.. I came here because, I want to apologize."

Minhos jaw clenched up, his grip loosening on Jisung. _He was way too tired for this shit.._ "I'm a shitty person, for breaking up with you like that. I thought.. I thought if I did that, It would've been good for both of us. Clearly it's not but.." Jisung frowned, tears filling his eyes. "I don't know. I didn't realize how badly this would've affected you. Jeongin told me that you've had nightmares before, but that they started again a little bit after I left you.."

Minho was sat up straight now, his mind blurred and head spinning from the amount of alcohol he consumed. _Jisung apologized. What does this mean?_

"And.. I'm sorry. I made the biggest mistake in my life that day. I lost the person I've loved the most, and I should be worried about you being dead, you shouldn't worry about me."

"I'm confused.." Minho mumbled, his fingers shaking as he fumbled with them, trying to distract himself. "Were you not happy this whole time?" Jisung shook his head, his hands placed in his lap. "No.. I was good at faking it for the camera, I guess."

Minho went quiet, and so did Jisung. They both sat like this, thinking in silence. Minho thought about sleeping, then being with Jisung again, then back to sleeping. Jisung had his mind solely focused on Minhos well-being and gaining his trust back.

"Sungs?"  
"Yeah?"

"I'm.. really tired," Both boys started giggling, Minho leaning in to lay on the younger boys chest. "I love you, Sungs.."

Jisung didn't say it back. He knew Minho didn't want him to say it back, not yet. He understood how the older felt, he wanted to give him time. Make him trust Jisung again, trust everyone else. Make sure he's happy.

It wasn't until when Minho was surely asleep, based off his peaceful snoring is when Jisung spoke up.

_"I love you too, Min."_


End file.
